oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
