I met the friendliest cop last night
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
