guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
