I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
