I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
