i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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