dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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