I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
