R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
