I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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