Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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