How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
