I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
