Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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