he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
