Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How does it feel to date your dad?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
