Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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