Don't make out with my wife yet
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
