I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
