You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
