I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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