good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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