so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
