My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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