would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
