I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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