I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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