We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
