dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
