Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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