i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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