My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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