apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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