I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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