I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
