i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
