If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
