Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
