good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
