Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
