I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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