If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
