he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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