I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
