I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
