can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My underwear smells like fireworks.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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