My boss' voice literally gives me gas
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
