I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
