why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
