He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
