You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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