You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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