What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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