i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
