Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
