dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
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I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..