Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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